i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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