just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
