3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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