He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
