My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
