Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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