WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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