and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
