Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
