If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We were destined to go to rehab together
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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