I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I had to cum in my sink.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
