I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
