I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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