She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
