piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize