i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Alive.
So much puke
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
