I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
