he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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