my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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