it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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