I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I need a beard to bite.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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