he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize