She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
