i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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