he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
