I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
