there's paper in my vomit.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
