i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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