So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
