My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
