Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
