my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize