halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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