i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize