I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
