I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
