how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You are a genius and a whore.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
