The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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