well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
