I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
