they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize