Already got asked if we're dating
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
