I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
