What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
