First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
