five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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