I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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