I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
