I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
