She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
