see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
