Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
