the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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