He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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