I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
