Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
