you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
