I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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