The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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