he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
