I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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